I mean, it hurts more than it did last week. It hurts more than the first time. But it’s a lot less than when I woke up. A lot less!”“Good,” Sondra said. “If it starts to be unmanageable, you remember the button you use.”I nodded. I hadn’t used it the first time and I didn’t imagine using it this time either – particularly when the hospital staff seemed so attentive.“Now that the edge is off, can you tell where the pain is?” Sondra asked. She was remarkably patient for whatever time in the morning it happened to be. All I knew was that it was dark outside.“It starts in my chest,” I said.She reached down to touch my pectoral muscle.“Here?” she wondered.“Yes,” I said.“OK, that’s OK,” she said. “That muscle was traumatized during the first surgery and it hasn’t seen much use in the past couple of weeks. That’s normal. Where else?”“It goes across my shoulder to my back,” I noted.“Also normal,” Sondra said, nodding. “How about your arm? Do you feel pain there?”“Yes,” I said.“That’s really. Then I could return south. Back to the meaningless high school existence I knew. One thing was for certain. I would not be coming back.That night I crawled into bed, and pressed my face into my pillow. It was worn the way I liked it. I'd have to take it with me. And how fitting that it be the only goddamn thing I take. In a few moments my lids became so weighted with that old familiar self-pity, that I let them fall and rode that dragon of teen emo-angst into sleep.I dreamt I was at a carnival. I was watching a horrible magician perform magic tricks with playing cards. The guy was so obvious that a couple times he nearly dropped the card after making it 'disappear' behind his hand. For his final trick, he had everyone come close. I wanted to tell him maybe we should move back. Or better yet, close our eyes, just to make it more believable. Or bearable, I'm not sure which. He held up a Queen of Hearts. Then he leaned in close to everyone around me. Or specifically to me, actually. He.
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